Gender-inclusive weddings in Japan break free from sexist traditions

More couples are forgoing the traditional customs

The Japanese wedding ceremonies and reception parties have had numerous elements reflecting gender roles and expectations for centuries, and they still do. For years and years, brides have been dreaming of having beautiful yet gender-oriented wedding ceremonies intentionally or unintentionally even though the majority now prefer Western-style wedding ceremonies (with a white wedding gown, of course) over traditional style. However, there is a trend that newlywed couples are forgoing traditional and typical ways in favor of more inclusive practices.

For those who are unfamiliar with Japanese-style wedding ceremonies, a few popular traditions are explained below. Although there are various styles of weddings such as the Shinto ceremony at shrines, the Buddhist ceremony and the non-religious ceremony, the majority tend to have weddings in churches or chapel rooms of hotels even though most of them are not Christian.

Popular customs might force gender roles

During the wedding procession, the bride usually enters the venue with her father, and the father escorts her down the aisle (we call it “the virgin road” because the bride is supposed to be immaculate…) and hands her off to her future husband. Many guests and various media consider it to be touching and beautiful. On the other hand, some think it’s very old-fashioned and do it in other ways because they know that the tradition dates back to when women were the property of men. In more progressive affairs, both parents or brothers and sisters walk the bride down the aisle or the bride walks it alone.

Moreover, at the reception parties, the newlywed performs “the first bite.” They cut the wedding cake together and feed a spoonful of cake to each other to represent that the groom will work hard to feed the bride and the family, and the bride will cook delicious food for the rest of his life. Although this custom originally came from the West and is supposed to symbolize a couple’s shared commitment to one another and to their marriage, it changed its meaning somehow when it was introduced into Japanese culture. In this era of increasing dual-income households, some couples give it a different meaning or choose different ways to do the first bite.

Male-centric ideas can be found in every element of the weddings

What makes the wedding even more patriarchal is the bride’s letter. The bride reads out a letter that she writes to her family (mostly her father and mother) as one of the climaxes of the reception. She says something like “Thank you for raising me all this time. I’m so honored to be your daughter,” and the audience tears up as they listen. This is the most typical presentation of a wedding reception among the Japanese.

However, some wonder why the bride prepares the letter and the groom doesn’t because they inevitably find patriarchal values that the bride is “taken” from her parents to the groom. Incidentally, I haven’t joined receptions in which both the bride and the groom read out letters.

Although the newlyweds have been struggling to make changes in the traditional style of weddings, it’s not always easy. Because the ceremony and presentation are not the only things that emphasize the fact that Japanese society is still male-dominated. Male-centric practices can be seen in numerous elements such as seating arrangement (the family of the groom takes better seats than the bride’s family does), welcome boards (the family name of the groom always comes first), and the welcome speeches which, according to a wedding planner, are supposed to be given by the groom.

Genderless wedding plans are now available in Japan

As you can see, the wedding ceremony has been for heterosexual couples, or I would say, people who don’t feel discomfort with gender roles and expectations. However, some wedding planning businesses have finally started to offer genderless wedding plans.

To give some examples, “FUSAKI Beach Resort Hotel & Villas” offers flexible options for costumes and the size of parties so that the newlywed can create parties that suit them, and “keuzes wedding by HAKU” sells a very simple ceremony that only includes the vow, photo shooting and the exchange of rings without any guests. Also, according to the article, a Buddhist temple in Saitama Prefecture has started offering a Buddhist same-sex marriage ceremony as a system to legally recognize same-sex couples was introduced in the local government. The newlyweds have managed to find suitable ways to hold ceremonies by requesting to make changes or looking for LGBTQ+-friendly wedding planners, as described above.

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However, there aren’t enough options for couples who have progressive ideas about gender, or who can’t even get legally married under Japanese law. While some wedding planners empathically help couples personalize parties and ceremonies, others disagree in a roundabout way or charge additional fees for making changes. Tradition is often perceived as beautiful, but it sometimes hurts people deeply.

Say goodbye to weddings where couples have to deceive themselves

When I read some comments from couples who held gender-inclusive ceremonies, I came to realize that all of them, no matter their identity, just wanted to celebrate the happiest moment and thank family and friends without deceiving themselves. Everyone has the right to be happy and express themselves to the fullest without any limitations, especially at weddings, one of the greatest moments in their lives.

It would be tough and even scary to express one’s ideas and feeling to the closest people. However, I envision a society where all newlyweds are celebrated as a matter of course, and where their values are supported and desires are fully met. It is essential that we find the determination, courage and patience necessary to achieve gender inclusivity.